Legend of Zelda: The Wind Waker
by Phoenixfire24
Summary: A funny parody dealing with the troubles of Link as he get chucked into a big open world he would much rather see from the sidelines then actually participate in. Why? CAUSE HE'S LAZY, THAT'S WHY!
1. Prolouge

I've decided to stray from my normal stories and put up a parody, because I feel like it.

Disclaimer: Nintendo owns it, don't sue

Prologue

This is but one of the many many legends spoken of today. In a kingdom far far far away, a long long long long time ago. Peace was spread throughout the groovy universe of hippies. That is, until, a fell wind, whatever that means, blew throughout the kingdom. With their un-groovifying senses tingling, the hippies of the kingdom did, HUH, ABSOLUTELY NOTHING. Before they knew it, darkness spread throughout the land, oceans, prairies, fields, mountains, and a bunch of other crap. Then, dramatically, a boy in a green dress appeared wielding the blade of evil's bane. The young hero who traveled through time, which people probably could've achieved themselves if they stopped eating and actually tried to use the magic…of SCIENCE. Well anyway, he was dubbed Hero of Time, a name so lacking in creativity it BURNS. Anyway, the hippies all thought that the evil was sealed away forever, well guess what, forever is always and always isn't forever. Confused? Well that's too bad cause I'm moving on. Once again, a fell wind blew across the land, telling people that evil has risen to power again. The hippies, being the lazy asses they were, did nothing except hope that the Hero of Time would seal away the evil again. Well that didn't happen because he was in Termina trying to stop a psycho midget wearing a stupid witch doctor mask from destroying Termina. When the hour of destruction drew nearer, all the hippies did was pray that their batch of 'special' brownies came out alright. What became of the kingdom? Look it up, I'm not Wikipedia. Of course, the legend survived on the winds breath, if it hadn't I wouldn't be writing this now would I?


	2. Chapter 1

First REAL chapter and I plan to pack so much humor in this that it'll HURT.

Disclaimer: I wouldn't be writing this if I did own it, I would make it into a game and publish it. Nintendo owns it.

A little girl, around 10 is walking around the beach of an island with a telescope in her hand.

Aryll: (shouting) BIG BROOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOTHERRRRRRRR

She stops and looks through her telescope, then heads off towards an old watch tower.

Aryll: (looking through telescope) There you are! Wake up.

Link: (snore)

Aryll: (starts smacking Link in the head with her telescope) WAKE UP OR I'LL SHOVE YOU OFF THE EDGE OF THIS TOWER

Link: OW! Ok, I'm up

Aryll: Good, now get your lazy ass over to the house. Grandma wants you

Link: (whining) I'm tired

Aryll: (holds up telescope) You better go, or your birthday gift will be not having kids in the future

Link: (attentive) Ok (jumps off ledge, swims to shore, and runs to grandma's house as fast as he can)

Grandma: Happy birthday Link

Link: Wow grandma, what big ears you have

Grandma: I'm hylian dumbass, I mean, the better to hear you with

Link: Wow grandma, what big eyes you have

Grandma: Are you blind? My eyes are super small…err, I mean, the better to see you with

Link: Wow grandma, what big teeth you have

Grandma: WTH are you talking about, I mean the better to eat (looks at script) ah screw it, this script is crap (throws script in fireplace)

Link: O…k, anyway, Aryll said you needed me

Grandma: Oh yes, well now that your 13, you are the same age as the Hero of Time.

Link:…so?

Grandma: Just put these on

Link: (holds clothes over head for dramatic effect)

Voice: You got the Hero's Dress, now you look like the Hero of Time.

Link:…

Grandma: Oh, I almost forgot. This will help you clean your room, and it matches your new dress

Voice: You got the Hero's Purse, its green color totally matches your dress, AND it can hold a whole bunch of crap.

Link: WTH, I'M NOT A GIRL

Grandma: Don't argue with me, now go off and play with Aryll while I prepare for your birthday party

Link: Ok

Grandma: AND DON'T EVEN THINK OF TAKING THAT DRESS OFF, OR ALL HELL WILL BREAK LOOSE ON YOU

Link: OO (forgets about taking off dress. Goes back to watch tower)

Aryll: Hold out your hands and close your eyes and you will get a big surprise

Link: Why

Aryll: Because I said so you jerkass

Link: Oh, ok (does what Aryll said)

Aryll: You can open your eyes now

Link: (opens eyes) It's your telescope

Voice: You got your sister's telescope, give it back jerk. Oh she GAVE it too you, sorry

Aryll: You have 24 hours to save the world, or else we'll all DIE

Link: What?

Aryll: Ops, wrong script, oh yeah, you can borrow it for one day, so let's try it out

Link: Ok (looks through telescope) OMG, IT'S SO HORRIBLE

Aryll: WHAT? WHAT DO YOU SEE

Link: YOUR FACE

Aryll: (punches Link in a not so nice place)

Link: OW, THAT HURT

Aryll: Just look at the postbox

Link: (looks at postbox) HEY, THAT STUPID MAIL CARRIER IS TAKING ALL OF THE SPECIAL BROWNIES

Aryll: WHAT, HOW DARE HE (punches Link in the stomach)

Link: WTH WAS THAT FOR

Aryll: I needed to vent my anger, anyway, OMG, LINK, LOOK UP AT THE SKY

Link: Ok (looks through telescope at sky and sees a huge fat bird carrying a girl. Then sees pirates shooting rocks at the bird) That bird shall be mine, and I shall name him Squishy, and he will be my Squishy

Aryll: -- you are such a retard

Link: NO!

Aryll: What?

Link: They hit Squishy (cries)

Aryll: --

Link: Hey! Squishy just gave birth to a fully clothed pirate girl about my age

Aryll: WHY MUST YOU BE SO BLONDE

Link: But you're also blonde

Aryll: (punches link) SHUT UP

Link: That's it, I'm gonna go save that pirate girl, because nobody even gives a crap that it's my birthday

Aryll: I thought would never figure it out, now go to Orca and get something special

Link: Brownies?

Aryll: Something even more special then brownies

Link: You're crazy

Aryll: That's it (pushes link off watch tower)

Link: (misses water, hits wood dock thing instead)

Aryll: Whoops, I aimed a little too much to the left

Link: (recovers) (goes to Orcas place)

Orca: Didn't your mother ever teach you to knock before barging in?

Link: I don't have a mom

Orca: Whoops

Link: Ok old man, I need a sword, now gimme

Orca: FOOLISH BOY, YOU NOT HUNGRY FOR SWORD, YOU HUNGRY FOR HOT POCKET

Link: --

Orca: Ok, so before I can let you keep this I have to give you proper training so you don't do any dumb shit (while Orca's saying this, Link is running back and forth with the pointy end of the sword up)

Link: (trips and falls into Orca)

Orca: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Link: Ops

Orca: Just take it, I don't care what happens to you

Link: Thanks Old Man, but I want to practice a little bit first

Orca: I DON'T FRICKIN CARE ANYMORE, YOU JUST CUT ME

Link: Ok (starts breaking all of Orca's things)

Orca: YOU LITTLE (link runs out door happily)

Link: Now all I need to do is save Squishy's baby, then he'll LOVE ME, MUAHAHAHAHAHAHA (notices that he's talking to self) oh, it's just me, oh well (goes up the hill and into the forest)

Bokoblin 1: HALT

Link: NEVER, YOU FUGLY MOFO

Bokoblin 2: I told you he wouldn't want to be friends with us

Bokoblin 1: KILL HIM, RIP OUT HIS INSIDES

Link: Ops

Bokoblins: BLARAGREDSFSGESGJOPSGOPJSPEGF

Link?

Bokoblins: That's our war cry, you're supposed to be afraid

Link: Ok (acts scared) Wait, my sword (starts killing everything)

Bokoblin 1: (gets stabbed) I SHOULD HAVE GOTTEN AN ACCOUNT ON MYSPACE (dies)

Bokoblin 2: (gets stabbed) I WASTED MY LIFE WATCHING CRAPPY MOVIES SUCH AS PREMONITION AND NEXT (dies)

Link: Yay (Helmaroc comes in and drops another Bokoblin into the forest)

Bokoblin 3: I SHALL NOT FALL AS EASY AS MY BROTH… (Gets stabbed and dies)

Link: HORRAYS

Tetra: (falls) Stupid bird, dropped me in a tree

Link: Hi Squishy's baby

Tetra: Go away

Link: why?

Tetra: Because I'll shank you if you don't

Link: Over my dead body

Tetra: That's the point

Link: Oh (pirate rushes over)

Gonzo: TETRA, LOOK OUT, A PERVERT STALKER IS RIGHT BY YOU

Tetra: YOU'RE A PERVERT STALKER (uses a whole can of pepper spray on Link)

Link: THE BURNING IS LOVE

Tetra: NO IT ISN'T

Link: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Gonzo: OO'

Tetra: Let's go (rushes out)

Link: (follows)

Aryll: (yells across bridge) Time's up, I want my telescope back you jerkass

Link: You said I had a whole day

Aryll: I lied, now give it back or I'll have the Seagulls kill you

Link: OO, ok

Squishy: (kidnaps Aryll)

Aryll: SAVE ME

Link: Ok (falls off cliff, barley holds on)

Gonzo: Are you just going to stand there and do nothing Tetra?

Tetra: Oh, right (uses another can of pepper spray on Link)

Link: (falls, hits head on rock and falls into water)

Gonzo: I meant maybe you could pull him up

Tetra: (holds up pepper spray as a warning)

Gonzo: Actually, you did a great job, lets go (runs back to ship)

Link: (swims to shore unharmed by what should have killed him)

Quill: Hi

Link: GIVE ME BACK THOSE BROWNIES OR I'LL KILL YOU

Quill: YOU SAW ME…I mean, what brownies

Link: Crap, it must have been a different postman

Tetra: YOUR STILL HERE, DAMMIT

Link: Hey, give me a ride to where Squishy is

Tetra: oh yeah, I want to get revenge on that bird, but you can ride along on two conditions. For starters you need protection.

Link: (thinks of something completely different)

Tetra: (sprays link with pepper spray…again) NOT THAT KIND OF PROTECTION YOU PERVERT

Link: OK, I'LL GET A STUPID SHIELD

Tetra: Second, we need to figure out where the bird is

Quill: Forsaken Fortress

Tetra: But we'll figure out the location later

Quill: I just said the location

Tetra: I wonder where a bird that huge would make its nest

Quill: --

Link: (runs to grandma's house)

Grandma: Hi Link

Link: CAN'T TALK, ARYLL'S BEEN KIDNAPPED AND I NEED A SHIELD FAST

Grandma: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO (gives link shield and keeps on sobbing)

Link: Don't cry grandma, I'll get Aryll back

Grandma: It's not that, I didn't get the right color lipstick to match your dress

Link: WHERE ARE YOU EVEN GETTING ALL OF THIS STUFF, WE LIVE ON AN ISLAND WAY TO THE SOUTH, WE HARDLY HAVE ANY VISITORS

Grandma: I got it from Wal-Mart of course

Link: Outset has a Wal-Mart?

Grandma: Of course, there popping up everywhere. Just like Starbucks

Link: Ok bye

Grandma: Bye (link runs out)

Tetra: I'VE GOT IT, I KNOW THE PERFECT PLACE FOR A BIRD THAT SIZE TO MAKE IT'S NEST

Link: What?

Tetra: FORSAKEN FORTRESS

Quill: OH FOR THE LOVE OF GOD, THAT'S WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU

Tetra: Really? You should have spoken up more

Quill: I WAS SHOUTING, THE POLICE EVEN CAME AND ALMOST THREW ME IN JAIL FOR DISTURBING THE PEACE

Police: that's it, we warned you once. You're under arrest

Quill: NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

Tetra: Ok, let's go Mr. Cross-dresser

Link: Ok

End Chapter

So Link finally sets sail to save Aryll. Tell me what you think of the chapter. I'll update as fast as I can.


	3. Chapter 2

Thank you for all who reviewed my story, It made me happy and filled me with motivation to write the second chapter and finish this story so I can make a sequel.

Disclaimer: I want to own it, but until I become rich I can't, and that's not likely.

We last left off when our hero, Link boarded Tetra's pirate ship in search for the most important person to him, Squishy. Oh yeah, Aryll to. Anyway, since we last left him off Link's already gotten seasick 45 times, fallen off the ship 280 times, and has had 1,059,863,247 cans of Tetras specialty brand extra-extra large cans of pepper spray used on him.

Link: My eyes sting really bad, there starting to water

Tetra: This should fix those leaky eyes (empties out another can of pepper spray)

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (falls off boat and throws up green slime)

Gonzo: I think he's throwing up his own bile

Tetra: REALLY, I HEARD BALLS OF BILE ARE WORTH A LOT THESE DAYS

Gonzo: Only Whale bile

Tetra: Damn, this sucks, we're like, in debt

Gonzo: Yeah but we're pirates, we just pillage, steal, and burn things

Tetra: OH YEAH, THANKS GONZO, now clean up and fish out the 'thing'

Gonzo: (obeyed)

Tetra: hmmm… NIKO, GET YOUR MELNURISHED ASS OVER HERE NOW

Niko: Yes

Tetra: Teach Link how to be a good pirate, or at least a drunken hobo pirate

Niko: Got it

Link: (perfectly fine) What up homies

Niko: Tetra has asked me to teach you how to be a pirate

Link: A NINJA

Niko: A pirate

Link: A HIPPY

Niko: A Pirate

Link: A PSYCHOTIC KILLER

Niko: NO, A PIRATE

Link: A PSYCHOTIC HIPPY KILLER NINJA

Niko: NO, TETRA ASKED ME TO TEACH YOU HOW TO BE A PIRATE

Link: Oh, why didn't you just say so

Niko: --

Link: Anyway, what will you teach me?

Niko: Mopping, Fishing, Steering the ship, Making illegal DVDs, Sword play, and then a final test, anyway, QUEUE MUSIC (Barbie Girl starts playing)

Link and Niko: (Niko's mopping while Link is using the mop as a wig and picking up two cannonballs nearby to make it look like he has boobs, Niko counts down from three and suddenly Link drop the cannonballs right on his feet)

Link: OW, MY FEET HURT, BUT I'M STILL SMEXIER THAN YOU ARE

Niko: Moxious, kind of, I'll pass you on that. Next is Fishing

Link and Niko: (Niko's showing Link the rights and wrongs of fishing, Link gets a bite and pulls up a shark.)

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH (throws Niko at shark)

Shark: OMG, WHY DO PEOPLE FEED ME GROSS DISGUSTING CRAP LIKE THIS, IT'S FRICKING DISGUSTING, I SHOULD JUST GO VEGETARIAN, I'M SORRY MAMA (swims away crying)

Niko: Avoiding said death, pass, I guess. Next up is steering the ship

Link and Niko: (Niko shows Link the steering wheel, tells a boring history about the origin of the wheel and then a lecture of the origin of the word wheel, Link gets bored and decides to take control of the wheel, or thin cylindrical steering device, or whatever Niko called it)

Link: This is MY ship now (steers ship into cyclone, gets warped closer towards forsaken fortress)

Niko: Getting to destination earlier, you pass. Now onto making illegal DVDs

Link and Niko: Some portions of this segment have been edited due to increase activity in bootlegging, sorry for the inconvenience (Link and Niko are in a field full of happy, dancing bunnies)

Niko: What the hell?

Link: Hi mister bunny (pets bunny)

Bunny: ROARRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRRR (Turns into Godzilla)

Niko: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, YOU PASS YOU PASS, WE NEED TO GET ONTO SWORD PLAY

Link and Niko: (Scene fades away and Link and Niko are back on the pirate ship. Niko decided to pass Link on the Sword Play part because he didn't want to get stabbed like Orca)

Niko: Now all is your final test. First step on this switch, then you need to jump from platform to platform swinging on these ropes along the way until you make it where I am, and you have a time limit, so hurry up, ok

Link: Ok (steps on switch, misses first platform and falls down to the ground) I wonder what happens if I wait for the platforms to fall down when I'm under them (platforms reset, Link gets crushed but magically reappears at the beginning) Ok, this time I'm going to do it. (2 hours later)

Niko: OH, SCREW THIS, JUST TAKE THE STUPID MAGIC PURSE EXTENSION

Link: (holds spoils section atop head)

Voice: You got the Spoils section for your magic purse. You can now carry enemy's waste.

Link: OO

Tetra: LINK, GET YOUR ASS UP HERE NOW

Link: Ok (meets Tetra)

Tetra: Here we are, I'll just let you do all the work, but I'll be nice and get you over there

Link: How?

Tetra: PEPPER POWER (sprays Link)

Link: (stumbles backward into barrel)

Tetra: FIRE

Link: WHEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEEE (barrel flies into side of fortress, Link's sword flies out of scabbard)

Stone: (rings)

Link: (answers)

Tetra: Hey Link, sorry I made you lose that sheet of crap metal. Anyway, This is a Stone Phone, yeah, you owe me 500 rupees, plus 50 rupees per month, I got the stalker version

Link: So I can see you?

Tetra: No, I can see and hear you, but you don't have my number so you can't talk or see me

Link: Hey, how do you change the ring-tone, I can barely hear you when it goes off

Tetra: Ok, go to menu, then phone options, then click ring-tones, and you get 1 free music download a month but I already used it on Barbie Girl

Link: So that's where that music came from

Tetra: No, that was just a figment of your imagination

Link: Oh, ok

Tetra: Well, your going to need to turn off those spotlights, if you kill the creature running them you should be fine

Link: Ok, bye for now (clicks end) This should be a piece of (spotlight hits him)

Spotlight: SEXY INTRUDER SEXY INTRUDER

Link: NO, I DON'T WANT TO GO TO JAIL (gets thrown in jail) Oh, that pot's pretty (accidentally smashes pot) Hey a way out (goes through escape path)

Stone: I'M A BARBIE GIRL, IN THE BARBIE WORLD

Link: (clicks talk)

Tetra: Ok, now, there are four spotlights, one to the left, and the others to the right

Link: K (hits end and goes to the left)

Bokoblin 4: (listening to iPod)

Link: (stabs Bokoblin with nearby stick) VICTORY IS MINE (goes to next station)

Bokoblin 5: Who are you?

Link: I'm Bob, I'm new here

Bokoblin 5: Oh, well, what do you need?

Link: Well, I need you to shut off the lights please

Bokoblin 5: Oh, that's all? Alrigh…

Stone: LIFE IN PLASTIC, IT'S FANTASTIC

Link: (tries hitting end but accidentally hits talk)

Tetra: Hey Link, any progress with infiltrating the forsaken fortress and getting those searchlights off so you can rescue my sister

Bokoblin 5: Hey, your not new, you're a sexy intruder

Link: HIYAH (kicks Bokoblin into the ocean)

Tetra: whoops, well bye

Link: (goes to next tower)

Bokoblin 6: (dead)

Link: hmm…looks like whoever ran this place didn't pick guards out too well, this one was emo. Oh well (goes to next tower)

Bokoblin 7: Halt, I demand you tell me your plans for Saturday night

Link: I'm a boy

Bokoblin 7: OO OMG, REALLY

Link: Yes

Bokoblin 7: (has heart attack)

Link: Wow, these guards are easy (goes on to final area)

Bokoblin 8: Prepare yourself

Link: HEY MY SWORD (picks up sword) oh yeah, you were saying

Bokoblin 8: Prepare yourself for the word of God to fill your life and soul. Repent and pray for forgiveness

Link: Loser (walks past Bokoblin into Squishy's room)

Bokoblin 8: DAMMNIT, I KNEW I SHOULDN'T HAVE GOTTEN A JOB AS A MISSIONARY.

Aryll: JERKASS!

Link: Hi, I'm here to rescue you

Aryll: WATCH OUT

Squishy: BWAK

Link: (gets carried away)

Squishy: What should I do with the sexy intruder Mr. Tan?

Mr. Tan: I don't know

Link: SQUISHY, I KNEW I'D FIND YOU 3

Squishy: AHHHHHH, THE LOVE BURNS (throws Link across the ocean)

Link: AHHHHHHHHHHHHHH, I'LL BE BACK SQUISHY, I LOVE YOU

Squishy: OO

?: Hey

Link: (snore)

?: WAKE UP

Link: Huh

?: FINALLY, your up, I am the King of Red Lions, you may call me KoRL

Link: Ok

KoRL: Now, I have brought you to the island of Windfall, go and buy me a sail because I don't have one

Link: Sure (goes in search of a sail) Hmm, I wonder if this shop sells sails?

Tingle: Hello, Mr. Fairy, step on that switch and let me out please

Link: Why?

Tingle: I'll give you presents

Link: OH BOY, PRESENTS (steps on switch)

Tingle: Thank you Mr. Fairy, you're much cuter outside the cell

Link: OO

Tingle: Oh right your presents, here

Link: (holds present above head)

Voice: You got the pictobox, this is a worthless box that has absolutely no purpose in the story. All it does is take up space and collect dust

Tingle: Call me (walks out)

Link: (holds second thing above head)

Voice: You got the Tingle Tuner, you can call Tingle and get interesting news at all hours of the day

Tingle Tuner: GROUND BREAKING NEWS, ALLEDGED PEDOPHILE TINGLE HAS ESCAPED JAIL BY UNKNOWN CAUSES, WE HAVE ALSO HEARD HE IS TEAMING UP WITH THE OLD ENTERTAINER, MICHAEL JACKSON

Link: Uh oh (leaves very quickly. Goes to weird guy in a fur parka)

Parka Guy: Yes, it was a fateful day when I left my home with 'it'. When my boat crashed 'it' along with myself was the only thing to survive.

Link: Can I have some drugs?

Parka Guy: DRUGS? I SELL NO SUCH THING! WHAT EVER WOULD GIVE YOU THAT IDEA?

Link: You keep on talking about 'it'

Parka Guy: 'It' is my sail

Link: Well I feel like an idiot

Parka Guy: Well you would, you being blonde and all, I'll sell you 'it' for 50 rupees

Link: DEAL

Parka Guy: DAMN, I should've asked for more

Link: 'runs off with sail'

KoRL: Finally, I was getting bored

Link: Deal with it (puts sail up and sails into the ocean blue)

End Chapter

Well, that's it for this chapter. Tell me what you think. I'll update soon.


End file.
